


The Language of Flowers

by Kaslyna



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Episode Tag, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Post-Series, Romance, tumblr prompt list
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23728390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaslyna/pseuds/Kaslyna
Summary: A series of connected non-chronological oneshots about Nolan and Amanda based on a Tumblr prompt list, set during and after the series.
Relationships: Amanda Rosewater & Irisa Nolan, Amanda Rosewater & Kenya Rosewater, Brief Mention of Amanda Rosewater/Niles Pottinger, Jessica "Berlin" Rainer & Amanda Rosewater, Joshua Nolan & Amanda Rosewater, Joshua Nolan/Amanda Rosewater
Kudos: 6





	The Language of Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> I started this in 2015, found it in my Google docs, and liked it enough that I decided to polish it up and make it a whole story. All oneshots are set within the same universe, but they won't be in chronological order because I wanted to put the prompts in order. Based on this list:
> 
> https://amandarosewater.tumblr.com/post/128810956583/flowers-and-prompts
> 
> The M rating is because there might be slightly racier stuff in later chapters, but I don't plan to make this story above a M rating. If I feel it is not needed, I'll bump it down to a T.
> 
> If a chapter is an episode tag, I will note it in the author notes. In this case, the first chapter is set between 3.12 and 3.13 and at the end of 3.13.

Winters in Defiance are rough, heavy and cold until Amanda feels like she can’t quite remember what it feels like to not have chapped lips and rough hands, until it feels like the frost has permeated every fiber of her being, no way left available to her to feel warmth again. Terraforming has made winters on Earth longer and harsher than they’d been before; she can remember winters spent in abandoned subway tunnels with Kenya during the Pale Wars, huddled together for warmth and how during the coldest, longest nights when the bombs dropped and the Earth shook around them she would murmur softly to Kenya of winters long gone. She’d never experienced them herself, not really, but she knew Kenya took some comfort in this game of make believe, so Amanda did her best to recall what she’d seen in the old movies on TV as a child.

It feels like she’s a scared teenager again; this winter is the coldest and the longest on record since she’d been in Defiance, and the lack of power certainly doesn’t help matters. Even after Nolan is back and the power is restored-even as the winter gradually fades-she still only feels the cold. 

“We should all get some rest, reconvene in the morning,” Nolan suggests gently, but he’s looking at her as he says it and for the first time in so long Amanda can feel warmth, flickering and fleeting, but there nonetheless, stoked by his concern for her wellbeing and the hint of desire she can see in his blue eyes that he can’t quite fully hide.

Amanda nods, “We’ll meet back here at eight.”

Berlin, Yewll, Irisa, and Alak nod at her, all of them slowly filing out to make the most of the eight hours of rest that have been allotted to them. They’d been talking for the past hour since they’d returned to Defiance in the lawkeeper’s office, but it was clear that nothing could really be done until the morning. Even now, as the ground had finally begun to thaw, the nights were still long, winter’s grip not quite gone.

“I’ll walk you back?” he asks, coming to rest beside her against his desk. Her eyes close and she lets out a sigh when he places one of his hands over hers, squeezing gently, but not doing any more than that. She finds she likes the gesture; he’s comfortable touching her, but he does so in a neutral way, still letting her have control.

“I was actually gonna do some work and crash on my couch,” she admits, eyes opening to see him frowning slightly at her.

“You need to be at your best tomorrow, Amanda,” he says it with a gentle concern that makes her swallow as he continues, “That means getting some real sleep in a real bed.”

“Fine,” Amanda relents quicker than either of them expected, sighing. She finds she is too tired to argue. 

He nods, pushing off the desk and tugging at her hand, “C’mon, I’ll walk you.”

“You don’t have to,” she smiles somewhat awkwardly at him, and watches as he stills, a serious expression coming onto his face.

“Amanda, I’m not…” he swallows, “I don’t have the wrong idea.”

“Nolan,” she shakes her head, biting her lip as she looks at him, “Can we not do this now?”

“Do what?” Amanda realizes as he asks it that he’s still holding onto her hand and she shifts so she can squeeze his hand in what she hopes he takes as reassurance that she’s not pushing him away.

“Talk,” she clarifies a bit, blushing slightly, “About this. Us, I mean. Not while we have to focus on the Omec and how to fix it.”

He nods, and she feels him relax before he responds, “Yeah, okay. Sure.”

“After,” she promises, smiling again.

“After,” he agrees, “But I still want to walk you home, make sure you get there okay.”

She nods, and they start off. He doesn’t release her hand and Amanda doesn’t mention it, either, but she can feel the warmth of him and she likes it. It feels like maybe the cold won’t last forever, that spring will be here soon. Amanda knows she could’ve easily gotten home safely on her own, and that Nolan knows it, too. But she likes spending time with him, and she doesn’t mind him giving her this excuse, either.

“Irisa doing okay?” she asks after a few minutes of comfortable silence. She can see her breath billow in front of her face before disappearing and Amanda watches the empty air instead of him as they continue their slow pace.

“Yeah,” he nods and squeezes her hand absently, “I think she’s starting to adjust.”

“That’s good,” Amanda squeezes his hand back.

The rest of the walk is silent, Amanda leading them back to the small apartment she has in the Darby building. She wonders if she should invite Nolan inside or if that would break the delicate balance between them. But then they’re at her door and he finally lets go of her hand so she can unlock it, turning to him before she goes inside.

Amanda hesitates for a second, the tension between them growing and his brow furrowing in confusion. Before awkwardness can fully descend, Amanda leans up and places one hand on his cheek, giving him a moment to adjust and decide if he wants this, too. He sways towards her and she takes that as assent, closing the distance by pressing her lips against his. It’s soft at first, and gentle, but then he’s tugging at her lower lip with his teeth and she can’t quite help the low hum that builds in her throat and the soft moan that escapes when he slides his tongue into her mouth. The kiss becomes heated fast; yet still somehow slow and somewhat exploratory.

“Amanda,” he murmurs, his voice lower than usual as he pulls away and rests his forehead against hers, one hand on the back of her neck, the other on her right hip, burning against the chill that’s enveloped her for so long.

“You could come inside,” she says softly, so softly she’s afraid maybe he didn’t hear; but of course he did, he’s so close she can feel the puffs of air he exhales against her cheek.

“Are you sure?” his question is equally as soft, and he hasn’t put any distance between them.

“Yes,” she swallows hard, “If we’re gonna risk death tomorrow, I’d like to spend the night with you. I don’t want to have any regrets.”

“Is this just a fear of death kind of thing, or is it more than that?” Nolan’s brow furrows in confusion. He’d thought after the kiss in Yewll’s office earlier that perhaps they were finally on the same page about their relationship, but maybe they weren’t.

“More than that,” she whispers, and before he can fully process her words Amanda’s lips meet his again. 

He pushes the door open without breaking the kiss, and then breaks it to spin them and close the door by pushing her against it. A laugh bubbles up and out of her and Nolan swallows the sound with another kiss, fumbling to lock the door at the same time. They break apart only to shed layers of outerwear, to slip out of shoes.

“Bed,” she murmurs against his mouth in between kisses, and he nods in response, lifting her as her legs wrap around his waist, arms around his neck.

As he gently places her on her bed she thinks that this is the first time she’s felt warm in too long. She feels like she could gladly burn as he covers her body with his own. 

After that, she is not cold for the rest of the night.

-o-o-o-

She finds herself unable to attend the dedication ceremony to name the new arch, and instead chooses to watch from the solitude of her office, alone with a drink in her hand, as she thinks she always will be now that Nolan is gone. Irisa thinks she believes him to be dead, but it isn’t quite as simple as that.

Amanda believes that he might have somehow survived, but that he is certainly too far away now to ever come back. And so it is easier to think he is dead, because how could he ever possibly return to her?

She takes a shaky breath and a long drink, stumbling to her drink cart for a refill. The wound on her abdomen pulls from the movement and she winces, doing her best to ignore it. If she drinks enough, perhaps it will not hurt as much anymore. It’s an excuse, but she no longer has the strength to care.

Nolan is gone, and with him, so is Amanda’s ability to do more than the bare minimum that Defiance requires from her. Oh she can go through the motions just fine, but that’s all it is anymore. As long as the town still stands she will protect it with her life, give her all to it, but her all is less than it was before.

She wonders when exactly Nolan became so important to her that his leaving could send her into such a tailspin. His disappearance last year had hurt less than this, because she could still cling to the fact that he was somewhere on the same planet. Now, she doesn't even have that security.

She feels like she’s free falling, or drowning maybe.

Amanda tortures herself sometimes with the fact that she never said how much he meant to her, not to him. That even though they’d spent that last night together, she hadn’t been brave enough to say the words that needed to be said. Instead she’d pushed it off, and Nolan had let her.

She tries not to resent him for it. After all, how could he know?

How could any of them know?

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update this whenever I can, as best I can.


End file.
